Recent: Uncensored

It's been awhile since I've been in-touch. Of course, this blog hasn't been completely removed from my mind. I've actually thought quite a bit on writing 'spiritual musings' and recent shit I find amusing. But no, I've been away for way too long.

Here's a snip-it of my most recent life...

I am standing over a long steel table with plastic glove covered hands gripping an ice cream dipper in my left and a 25 pound bucket of dough in my right. That's right I work at a frickin' cookie joint! I can't say I hate the work, but I don't love it either. It is the most mind-numbing-chronically-boring job I think I could have gotten. Yes, yes, yes... Universe, that's right -- I know, I'm blessed to have this crappy job in the first place and I truly know it... but you can stop rubbing my nose in the fact. And maybe send me a few sane co-workers to work with, not to mention maybe a hottie to look at. It would really help pass the time! Oh, and to all those schmucks out there -- BE NICE (even friendly) to the folks behind the counter! And get off of those g-d damn cell phones! We're people too, you know -- and just because you think you're somehow more important does not mean it's true! You're shit stinks just like the rest of us!

I am also living in the same house as my insane 'just released last December' from prison brother who over the past months has directed all of his energy on pissing on me as much as he can in order for him to show 'his love' or whatever the hell it is. Can he just move out already!!!

My grandmother had a stroke -- excuse me, it was just a mild one -- but it's still a damn stroke all the same. So she's been a little loopy to say the least, not to mention not fit enough to drive as of present. Yes, Universe I'm totally grateful for the woman, but I'd like the old model back ASAP thank you very much.

My businesses are heading into their 'black period' and it's a real shame, because I thought I had a whole month before the fact. Somehow I missed a few months in the beginning of 2009. Thus no posts!

My book (and writing itself) is all I ever think about. It's driving me up the wall with frustration! I have some of the best writing friends I could have asked for -- and indeed I did ask for them. That's right, Universe, you finally listened and sent me something real special. Of course, there is always drama. Like just once I'd like to have my local writers group, which are probably my closest writing friends, to actually write -- and I mean all of them! I too, would like this book to be done already. I am a best-selling author dammit!

Okay, so here I am bitching to you... because I don't want to hear anymore "I'm too busy crap" from anyone. Look, normally I'm super understanding and will hold your hand -- but dammit this is life, deal with it! And stop thinking you're the only one with problems. Make those dreams happen! We all have 24 hours in a day and for most of us only 2 of those are actually any good!

Opposite of Love.

What is the opposite of love?

I've been told the opposite of love is indifference. The definition of indifference is lack of interest or no concern for.

Through my spiritual studies I have read and learned that there is no such thing as indifference to Spirit. There are two emotions which come from the human being. One is fear and the other love. If I feel nothing for this person, where does that leave me?

Honestly, I feel nothing for this person; only this uncharacteristic 'I don't care about you' mindset. I pretty much love all people. I can find God in pretty much everyone. I can even find God or my likeness in this person I have no feelings for.

The shame of it is that it not only effects my everyday living, but also challenges me to reevaluate my own Spirit. Where do you go if you are in the land of Nowhere?

Continued...

It's now 2 in the afternoon. My original post was written this morning at 8am.

After a storm we don't often enough go within God. In the midst of the day I went quiet and went where God is. I spoke with Him about this lack of feeling for this individual. I then became very still and this is what He spoke over me.

"You have done all that I require of you. You acknowledge My presence in him and you have seen yourself in his eyes. If you can not love, which I ask of you to do in everything. Simply walk away. It is better to walk away from something than to embrace something that will harm you. If you walk away I will love you all the same. I will always love you."

Always the message is love.

My Wonder Bread Bible.

Last night I went to my first bible study in awhile... -- years actually. It was your standard protocol. Women in one room, men in another. Beginning with a meet and greet; a few hugs are exchanged then we sit down. The leader ask for 'prayer request' and we all sympathise with the customary sigh of understanding. The leader then ask for 'praise reports' and the black cloud is lifted until one of the older ladies in the circle opens the Heavens and invites God to help and bless the names that are written on the little piece of paper she is straining to read off of.

The Heavens close with an 'Amen' and we are then handed out sheets of study notes. The leader gets the attention of the group with a question and we proceed with Scripture and there is discussion. By the end of this 45 minutes of discussing whatever the topic may be, the leader rattles off a handful of Scripture verses to study at our leisure. Again it is followed by a short prayer and our pat on the back for coming.

I came into this with an open mind. One of my 'life quotes' is, "Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing." So I came, Bible in hand, fully open to everyone and everything around me.

"When I was growing up, I knew I was different. The other girls were blonde and delicate, and I was a swarthy six-year-old with sideburns. I so badly wanted to be like the popular girls all sitting together, talking, eating their Wonder Bread sandwiches..."

As the great philosopher Nia Vardalos or better known as Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding said, "... I so badly wanted to be like the popular girls sitting together, talking, eating their Wonder Bread sandwiches." I too wanted that badly. I sat there and listened and so badly wanted it to work out. I wanted to hear my spirit sing or at least feel a connection with someone in the room. But no, "... I knew I was different."

I've been a little scatter-minded with my own 'spiritual journey' you could say. I'm not going to get into much detail in this post, but in the past few years I've been all over the map. But I have stopped looking for that 'one avenue' that claims to hold the key to spiritual enlightenment and awakening. I want to know God. Those who find Him in Bible study, I envy you. As for me... I'll keep you posted.

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” Quoted by Mother Teresa

New Year's Resolutions.

For past new years you would find me scrabbling to get my resolutions down before the clock stuck midnight. This year I took a different approach. Over the past few days I've been letting my resolutions kind of come to me organically. If the mood stuck, I would simply go to my computer and add another to file.

Here are my resolutions for 2009. They are in no particular order; they come to you as they came to me.

• I won’t spend time trying to get people to stay or come back into my life. If they don’t want to be in my life, I will simply release them to be whatever they want to be and continue on my own journey.

• I will read one book every month that challenges my way of thinking.

• I will finish writing Coming Harbor. I will agent-it out and publish.

• I will go on at least one major trip this year.

• I will no longer say to myself or others “I’m too busy.”

• I will not make myself or anyone else feel inadequate in any way.

• I will loose 50-70 pounds. I have a gym membership until May 2009 and I will use it at least twice a week. I will listen to my body and understand I am the one in control.

• I will stop doing things I don’t want too. And say ‘no’ and make no apology for doing so.

• I will expand my portfolio and continue to save money monthly.

• I will be grateful for everything I have as well as everything I don’t have. I understand that there is timing in everything.

• I will love all people more than I ever have before.

• I will continue my spiritual journey; follow wherever and whomever it may lead me too.

• I will continue to deepen my search through mediation and understanding.

• I will help anyone in need; but be a slave to no one.

• I will support at least two independent films.

• I will make a date with myself twice a month that focuses fully on what I like to do.

• I will follow every ‘true’ passion and desire I have.

• I will give myself time.

• I will not waste time.

• I will be open to love.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." Quoted by Bill Vaughan